For years, I believed that my clarity, effort, and will-power could change another person. What I eventually learned was more humbling—and more powerful: relationships change when we do.
Every relationship—whether with intimate partners, co-workers, bosses, children, friends, or family members—invites both our gifts and our shadows into the relational field. Our desires expectations, fears, wounds, and best selves are always present, shaping how we speak, listen, and respond, —often without our conscious awareness.
While we cannot change others, we can transform how we are when we meet them. And when we shift from within, relationships inevitably change as well.
The Power of Presence
I recall a day when I felt irritated, and out of sorts. I joined a Zoom call with a friend who is a Buddhist monk. He is deeply devoted to meditation, prayer, and service, and from the moment he appeared on the screen, I was struck by the palpable calm and centeredness he carried. Without my saying a word about how I felt—and without us discussing my mood at all—my nervous system softened. A sense of calm, ease and even joy, began to arise in me. His energy and way of being, changed mine.
This experience illustrates something profound: our inner state is not hidden. It is felt by others, as it radiates outwardly from within us.
Changing the World from Within
Our inner state is relational. It communicates continuously. Mahatma Gandhi expressed this truth beautifully:
“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the tendencies in the world change. towards him…. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We do not need wait to see what others do.”
Sufi mystic Irina Tweedy taught that we are constantly mirroring one another. Each person we meet reflects aspects of ourselves back to us, just as we reflect aspects of ourselves to them. In this way, everyday relationships—and even our interactions with the natural world—become ongoing mirrors through which we come to know ourselves more clearly.
I have found, through working with people from all walks of life, that when someone changes inwardly—even in subtle ways for the better, such as softening into compassion or releasing the need for control—the outer world begins to mirror that shift and respond in kind. By changing their inner attitude or perspective, people have reported improvements in their relationships, more positive responses from others, and doors that once felt closed suddenly opening
Some years ago, I was in New York City to conduct an interview with a former US Secretary of the Treasury for a book I was writing. This was an interview that almost didn’t happen. During our initial phone conversation, he was so demeaning, dismissive, and rude that I’d decided to call it off. The friend who’d introduced us, however, strongly encouraged me not to and suggested we have our meeting at the Four Seasons Restaurant, a notably elegant setting. Reluctantly I agreed.
As I made my way to the restaurant, I prepared myself, understandably, for a hostile encounter. Before walking in, I pause, took a breath, closed my eyes, and let an image of my mother emerge in my mind. Although she was a Polish immigrant with only a high school education, she emanated self-confidence with an authentic charisma, presence, and depth, believing it was her right to move through the world with grace and authority.
I lingered at the Four Seasons doorway and allowed her energy to settle into my body until I felt grounded and deeply rooted in myself. Then I went inside. I walked confidently up to him, extended my hand, and introduced myself—present, open, and warm. As our hands met, I saw his eyes suddenly soften and his guard fall away. What followed was a pleasant, genuine meeting that grew into mutual respect and friendship. I knew that had I entered the restaurant from my earlier state of agitation and defensiveness, the encounter would have unfolded very differently.
How do we cultivate this capacity in every area of our lives? How do we create real, lasting change from within—change that improves all our relationships? The most direct and transformative way I have found is through working with Eidetic Images.
The Path from Within: Eidetic Imagery
Eidetic Imagery refers to vivid, movie-like images that naturally arise in the mind and are neurologically recorded in the brain carrying information about our experiences, patterns, and innate potentials. This phenomenon, has been studied and documented through decades of research in universities and in the scientific literature since the late 1800’s.
By working directly with these images, we can bring unconscious reactions, beliefs, and emotional habits into awareness while simultaneously accessing empowered states already encoded in the psyche. This process reconnects us with our wholeness—awakening inner strengths and our authentic presence—so we can engage life and our relationships with greater clarity, confidence, and purpose.
Working with these images, allows us to see ourselves clearly in a relationship, without the distortions of who we think we should be or wish ourselves to be. Through this inner seeing, we become aware of what we are emanating—and how others are responding to us. We can also observe how a shift in our inner energy alters the course and outcome of an interaction.
This work is not about changing or managing others. It is about gaining insight and inner freedom by uncovering and embodying our most authentic way of being, one that naturally and positively influences the relational field around us.
How Do You Practice Eidetic Imagery?
In an Eidetic Imagery session, you close your eyes and allow an inner image of a specific person or situation to appear. This image has three inseparable parts: (1) what you see visually, (2) what you feel somatically in your body, and (3) the meaning and understanding that naturally arise. Instead of thinking about the problem or trying to analyse it, you simply observe these three layers as they unfold. Together, they reveal how you are engaging in the relationship—emotionally and energetically—and how the other person is responding to you.
In this process, you access deeper parts of the brain that hold authentic states of mind and body previously unavailable to you. With gentle prompts, familiar reactions and patterns become clear. You are then invited to shift how you are relating in the image. As you visualize the image, you begin to see yourself interacting with clarity and more perspective, tension softens and new ways of relating are uncovered from within the image. Your posture, tone, and inner feeling of self begins to change. When this embodied shift occurs, you can see how your inner change impacts the other person directly.
Here’s an example of how working with an image could unfold: Imagine asking a lover, friend, boss, or colleague for something while feeling insecure, “one-down,” or afraid, the image would likely show the other person pulling away, becoming dismissive, or holding more power in the interaction. When you shift internally—grounding yourself in self-respect, clarity, or confidence—and make the same request, the image changes. The other person appears more open and responsive. This illustrates how relationships mirror our inner state: when we change within, others respond differently in our daily lives.
Why It Works?
In clinical research with thousands of subjects, psychologist Akhter Ahsen, Ph.D., discovered that images, such as those of our mothers and fathers, are neurologically encoded in specific locations in the brain. When these images are evoked—consciously or unconsciously—they can affect our physiology and our mental and emotional states in powerful ways. (Ahsen’s findings were first published in 1965 in the book Eidetic Psychotherapy.)
An Imagery Exercise For You!
In this exercise, the prompts “mother” and “father” are used to help evoke your primary childhood caretakers. However, families take many forms. You may have had two mothers, two fathers, a grandparent, another relative, or a different combination of caregivers—or perhaps only one. If this is true for you, simply allow the people who were your primary caretakers to appear in place of “mother” and “father” as you work with the prompts.
The goal of this exercise is to guide you in consciously using these high-intensity images, or, Eidetic Images for self-awareness, insight, and growth. You will be able to see the energy that is emanating from you and its impact on others.
With your eyes open or closed, allow the following images to form in your mind’s eye. As you see each image, take a few moments to let the information unfold.
1. See yourself interacting with a difficult person in your life..
Let the image of the person come into your mind’s eye and notice
how you are interacting with them.
2. How you are you feeling as you interact with them? Are you
stressed, hesitant, joyful, or empowered?
3. Now, keeping your mother in mind, see yourself interacting with
the person. Your mother should not appear in the image; just
think of her as you see yourself interacting with the person.
Let the image unfold on its own
4. Did you interact differently with your mother in mind than when
you interacted by yourself? What was that difference?
5. Now, keeping your father in mind, see yourself interact with the
person. Your father should not appear in the image; just think
of him as you see yourself interacting with the person. Let the
image unfold on its own.
6. Was there a difference in how you interacted with the person
with your father in mind than with your mother in mind? What
was the difference?
7. Did one parent give you more wisdom, ability, and strength? Was
one parent more obstructive?
The Results:
You may find that one parent is negative and the other positive, or both are negative, or both are positive. If you find that one parent affects you negatively and the other positively while you’re interacting with the difficult person, you can consciously alter your automatic responses by keeping the “positive” parent in mind as you go about your life. The next time you are dealing with a difficult person, for example, visualize an image of this person and keep the positive parent in mind. You will immediately notice your natural constructive abilities emerge in dealing with the difficult person.
If both parents are positive, you can use the positive qualities offered by each parent for different tasks. One of my clients used this technique to help her with a project she felt obstructed by. She found that keeping her mother in mind gave her the ability to focus, while keeping her father in mind made her feel full of love. Each time she needed to focus on the project, she kept her mother in mind to help her think clearly. When she found herself getting into a power struggle with a colleague, keeping her mother in mind allowed her to feel focused and to keeping her father in mind allowed her to feel more love and to better communicate with her children.
If both parents are negative, it is useful to see how your parents affected you so that you can become conscious of habitual negative or self-defeating behaviours. If this is the case, keep in mind a significant person in your life who positively affects you—a mentor, therapist, teacher, religious figure, or a leader who deeply moves you. Alternatively, you can substitute a person for a quality such as prayer, love, or compassion. The image of this positive person, or quality will bring out your best capabilities.